Going Busto in the Game of Life

A little more than a week ago I went to the memorial service of a family member. This person took their own life much too early, sadly leaving behind two children and many who loved and cherished him. This was evident by the number of people in attendance and by the tears that were being shed. Myself, I was never that close to him, but I still couldn't help but shed a tear when I saw his son weeping passionately and his mother embracing him. There were many moments of reflections for myself during the service.

I couldn't help but wonder if I passed away how many people would come to my funeral. I've always considered myself a likeable person but when I thought about the answer to that question I realized that the answer was "not many." Now this shouldn't define my life and I'm not looking to set a record for funeral attendance but this realization kind of hit me hard. Is there something I've done wrong in life to not have any close friends? Most of it is my fault, for certain. I've moved a lot. Friends don't travel with you. I'm a bit of a loner. When I go cover poker tournaments and others want to go out for drinks afterwards, I'd rather go back to my room and relax. I'm just not much of a drinker anymore. My girlfriend told me "but you have all those friends on Facebook" which is true, but most of those friends are just acquaintances and most of them don't even read anything I post or say.

The thing is... I want friends... I like being around people... I like having conversations with others, about anything really. When I was a young kid, I was picked on and bullied which probably is a good reason for why I'm kind of reserved at times. When I moved to Alabama at the age of 15, I made plenty of friends as most of the people in the small town of Douglas were very friendly. However, I was still an outsider to the group that had spent their whole lives going to school together.

I've made good friends before. Friends that at the time I considered close.

There was John Arrellano when I was going through Nuclear Power School in Orlando, Florida. It was with John that I would learn the fine skill of underage partying. We did everything together and had a blast. After I left to go to Ballston Spa, New York for more nuclear training, we lost touch.

There was a group of guys in New York - Rob, Chris, and Tom - that I spent a ton of time with, going through the stress of learning how to operate a nuclear power plant but having fun when we were off site. Once we all get sent to our respective units, however, those friendships faded.

I didn't have many friends after that because I got married and spent most of my time focusing on my marriage and two young boys. Once I left the submarine I was on, I became close with a guy named Jeff Moore who had a ton of interests similar to me. We loved sports, from playing them to pretending we were playing with them. I'd spend more time with him than with my wife. Once I got out of the Navy, we lost touch.

After the Navy, I went the longest time without any close friends as I jumped from relationship to relationship looking for "the one." I was devastated after the end of one of those relationships and decided it was time to go back to school. I met a young kid, Mike Riley, while there and we became good friends. We would take a lot of the same classes together, go out for drinks, and he even tried to set me up with his sister at one point. I even took part in his wedding and watched as he made his way into law school. I moved away from Minnesota though and while he's still a Facebook friend, I honestly don't talk to him that much anymore.

Then there was the Minnesota poker gang that I got to know. Chris, Kyle, Mike, Joel, and so many others. We'd get together once a week for a home game and would often do things with one another outside of the game. I still consider many of these guys my friends but it's not the same when you're 1,000 miles away (again, my fault).

There was Jordan. Someone I met while working doing mindless legal work during a summer off from law school. We became fast friends as I introduced her to poker. We had a lot in common and eventually developed a mild romantic relationship. I wanted more than she did and I had a feeling that if she had her way, we would have remained just friends. We would end up splitting up but maintained a friendship afterwards because truth be told, we were always going to be better friends than a couple. We're still friends, but again not what I would call close.

Michelle, my girlfriend, is my best friend right now. She's there for me when I need her and I can tell her anything. I love her for that. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit lonely. And sad. I'd never do something as selfish as taking my own life, but part of me can understand why a person would do so.

I feel as if I have been sitting at the poker table all day being dealt nothing but rag hands. Folding over and over again. Wishing for the dealer to give me just one big pair. Just one ace-king. Anything to give me some hope. And then I think back to a series of articles I wrote once called "It's Not All About the Cards" and that it shouldn't matter what the dealer is giving me. It's up to me to determine what happens. Rather than dwelling on what isn't, I can do something about it.

So I'm all in. And if I go busto in the game of life, then at least I can say I went out with the best of it.