Dear Dad...

I was on my way to come see you this morning. We were packing our bags and about to load up the car when Bryan called.

I knew what he was going to say before he spoke.

You were gone.

I sat there numb. I still am a bit. I've cried more than I thought I would. I'll cry more in the coming days. Of this I am sure.

We weren't always close or on the best of terms, but there is one thing I never doubted and that was your love for me. I hope if these words find you, that you know that same love is returned to you from me.

While I always considered myself a Momma's boy, I'm more like you than I ever wanted to admit. The physical resemblance is obviously the biggest giveaway, but there is more to it than that. While I might not have your fiery temper, I am stubborn and persistent like you. I don't like to give up, even when I know I should and that's a trait you always had and exuded.

I have so many things I want to say to you, but yet I don't know what to say. Part of me wants to ignore the bad and try and think of only positive memories. The truth though is that I love you the way I love you because that bad existed. Because you showed you could change. It's something I admire in you. Something I wish I could do.

So yes, we had our issues, although I probably tend to exaggerate them for dramatic effect because that's what I like to do. I remember the physical struggles we had, usually sparked by me smarting off to you and you letting your temper get the best of you. I remember feeling that you thought I was a failure. A disappointment. That even though I was the oldest, I was always third on your list of priorities when it came to your three sons. It always seemed to me that you did more for Bryan and Shane then you did for me. I remember one time I needed a place to stay when I was going through troubles and feeling like you wanted me gone. So I left. That's the bad I remember and I won't lie. It hurt.

That said, there was far more good than bad. You always made sure we were taken care of and provided. We lived a good life and always had the things we wanted and needed... and then some. I took it for granted at the time I'm sure, but we were always the first in the neighborhood to have the "cool" things. People today would laugh, but having a color television, microwave oven, Atari, and Tandy 1000 were huge deals back then.

My love for travel came from yours and Mom's love for travel. You purchased a luxurious home on wheels so we could see the country in comfort and style. The six week trek we made from Alaska to Alabama when I was 15 was one of my fondest memories of my childhood. Not just because I was escaping a life where I was an uncool, bullied young teenager, but because of the time I got to spend with you, Mom, and my two brothers. We might have gotten tired of each other at times, but we were family and that's when we were closest... in those moments visiting family or just taking in some sight that was spectacular.

I wasn't a great athlete but that didn't deter you from cheering me on no matter what sport I was taking part in. I remember you driving beside me in your truck, handing me water as I trained for 10K races running down back country Alabama roads on hot summer afternoons. I remember you teaching me that there is no place for arrogance in sports after I stopped and tied my shoes when I had a massive lead in a two-mile race. I remember you always being there when I had some type of school event.

The other thing you did was always make us laugh. You would crack jokes... very bad ones at times... and do things to try and bring smiles to our faces. I once wrote this as inspiration for a story I was writing... of how the thirty minutes the family shared at the dinner table laughing and joking and sharing stories about our day was the highlight of the day. More families should eat at the dinner table. It's been lost in this day and age I think.

I tended to forget those things though and only think of the bad when it came to you. I left home and joined the Navy because I wanted to get away from you. Mom always saw the good in you though and she persisted. "Talk to him," she would say. "He loves you." I didn't want to believe her. Mom's, though, are always right. And once again she was.

There was one thing though that changed my thoughts on you more than anything. That was your love for Mom. When she was going to leave you when I was a young adult, you could have just given in and gone on your way. You could have given up. You refused though. She was the love of your life and you didn't want to lose her. You changed when that happened. You became a different person. A better person. I could sense it then whenever I came to see you.

I think the first time I ever saw you break down and cry was when Mom passed away. It was the first sign of vulnerability I ever saw from you. I wish I'd seen more of that growing up, but it was a different time back then when men were macho and strong and tough and crying and emotions were seen as a sign of weakness. While I was sharing those tears with you then, know that moment is one that forever resides in my heart and is a lasting impression I will always have of you.

Last year I married the love of my life and you were there for it. I'm so glad that you were able to be there to see that celebration. There's a picture I have from that day where the Hendrix clan posed for a picture and we're all making goofy faces and laughing. This is the Dad I remember most. You hugged me that day and told me you were proud of me and that you loved me.

Well Dad, I want you to know that I am proud of you for the life that you lived. And that I love you.

And I'll miss you.